I haven't written much about my dad's passing, it's just so hard to sit at the computer and try to write with tears streaming down my face. There's so many things I want to say and share. I know too many people whose parents have passed on this year and as we all embark on tomorrow, Halloween, the beginning of the end of 2013 and all the festivities that will happen in the next two months, I hope that by sharing a little of my thoughts will help us all.
When dad died I cried everyday for 3 months straight, since then it's only about every other day but sometimes more. I haven't erased his texts (the last one I ever got says "Love you", I've saved his voice messages (oh, how I miss his voice) and I treasure more than ever the tokens of love he's given me. The everyday stuff kind of goes back to normal and it's as if my dad's traveling like usual, but then Sunday comes and he's not at dinner, there's no phone call on my birthday and tomorrow he won't be here to enjoy my soup or wassail, that both my parents taught me to make. Right now at midnight I just realized I don't even have groceries for tomorrow. My coping mechanism has been to accept what's coming and only do as much as I can. I let whatever is coming happen and then decide what I can do in the moment. As I'm writing I'm realizing this is what I do. So I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes and if we'll have soup and wassail. It's not that I'm putting it off, I'm just allowing myself to relax a bit and only run as fast as my feet and broken heart will let me.
I have been blessed with many tender mercies, feelings, thoughts and inspiration that I know came from my dad and a loving Heavenly Father over the last five months. I am so grateful for these experiences, they have carried me through. However with every new day I create a new normal without him being just a phone call away.
Tomorrow, Halloween, begins a new holiday normal and I believe this will be the most difficult holiday season I've ever had. My mom goes all out for holidays and dad is always right there with her, I can't imagine how hard this will be for her. They both make the holidays special in their own way from the food to the gifts it is magical. I've never made Thanksgiving dinner without my dad either in person or over the phone. I think sometimes my brain would purposely forget just so I could call my dad and have him by my side. December we get together at least twice a week for something, it's wonderful.........And now we'll do all those things with a big empty seat at Thanksgiving dinner, without our song leader on Sinter Klaas and without a poem from Dad Christmas morning (these are little tokens of him).
I know the firsts will be the hardest, but I don't know if it ever gets easy to let go of the pain, it's as if I'd be letting go of him. I don't want to ever let go! I want to always remember and miss him like crazy.
I love the fact that everyday something reminds me of my dad, as if it's him saying hello. It can be anything from an image to a song. Today it was Katy Perry's new song Unconditionally. One of the last conversations I had with my dad, I told him I was worried he'd be disappointed in me. He then told me with all the love a dad can have that there was Never Anything I could do to make him disappointed and that he loves me unconditionally. I love you, daddy.