Pieces of Peace

I came up with my blog name, life motto, personal mission statement, Peace from Pieces, about a year or so ago when I was so overwhelmed with all the different Pieces of my life. I realized I needed to find Peace within these different pieces, hence Peace from Pieces. Even though I can look at life through different lenses, per say, and have a positive attitude, I still haven't felt long periods of Peace, something I so desperately long for. Once I am finally able to come up for breath the next mountain to climb comes almost instantly. UGH! I recently was inspired with the thought that I needed to hold on to the small Pieces of Peace I felt and

combine these together to create longer

lasting Peace and overshadow the

mountains I'm climbing. The quote above came at such a perfect time. I have made Peace with myself and now feel like I can take on the world. I don't know where Taz got this Peace sign idea, but I loved it. It's not like I walk around all the time talking about Peace and flashing "the" sign to everyone, I guess it goes to show sometimes we communicate in more ways than words.

Trying to Understand

It was said to me this week that someone WAS trying to understand what our life is like, true understanding only comes from living it everyday. We all have our own understanding of our own reality and until recently did even Heman really understand what life expects of us as parents of children with special needs. I believe EVERYONE has special needs, ours have special needs that take a lot longer for them to learn. I have used this blog as a documentation for myself and a positive outlook for us and others. I do try and explain somethings on here, but if this is all someone or anyone is using as a method of TRYING to UNDERSTAND how we are doing, all you are getting is a very positively slanted point of view. I do not go into the day to day trantrums caused by over stimulated Sensory Processing Disorder, which results in anyone of us being bitten, the Rock pounding his head on the nearest hard surface, screaming, throwing his heads, hands, legs and entire body in different directions, hitting the nearest person so hard it even makes me cry(if I'm the victim) AND includes not being able to understand why this is happening because HE CAN NOT TALK! I do not go into the stress in causes me to take him to a new place or store because of these tantrums. I do not go into the amount of worry he causes me because he DOES NOT EAT enough! I do not talk about the amount of guilt I deal with because I can never do enough for ALL of my children, because ALL of my children have learning disabilities and need extra help with school work and any kind of learning. I realize that all mothers have these sort of feelings and they are normal, however amplified they maybe by situations. There are many other things I do not go into on the blog, because this is not where I want to talk about them.

I DO NOT GO INTO THIS ON THE BLOG BECAUSE I HAVE MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR AND I AM TRYING TO SPEND A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE AND FINDING A LITTLE BIT OF PEACE out of the crazy pieces of our lives. These things are only about the children and being a mother. We all have many other different pieces of our lives and roles that we play and the last two years all of the those pieces have been difficult and I myself and TRYING to UNDERSTAND.

So if you are trying to understand what life is like for us you might want to read about autism and then ask me about it. Please ask me if something is possible before assuming that it is, because the most simple tasks are overwhelming for us right now and may not be possible. I enjoy helping others and the fact that I can't do as much as I would like to at this time is difficult for me. At this time my helping is on the Rock's terms and I'm doing everything I can to help him and the three other joys in our life.

9 out of 12

Great News......the Rock has been given a publicly funded spot (free for us) at Carmen Pingree School for children with autism. We are so grateful for this opportunity and feel that it is a great blessing for all of us.

Carmen Pingree's approach is different from what we have been doing so there will be a lot of learning for all of us. I feel that it will give the Rock the ability to reach his potential. He has already come so far and we know that he will continue to succeed.

When you are accepted you go through an evaluation to make sure your child is a good fit. We spent 3hours at the school yesterday for this evaluation. The Rock was evaluated by an ABA trained teacher, the Speech Pathologist and the Psychiatrist. I was evaluated by the Psychiatrist (yes about Hagen, not me, that would have taken more than three hours....right?). I thought I was going to be way more emotional during this evaluation, but when it was over I was still laughing. When the Psychiatrist was done talking to me he handed me a piece of paper that showed me the 9 out of 12 autism characteristics the Rock has.

It was then my turn to ask questions, so I asked him the one that everyone asks me......"How autistic is he? or He doesn't look autistic, he must be high functioning. or Are you sure?" BTW These are all very rude, judgemental and very hurtful. He then said "He has 9 out of 12, he not mild. Mild would be 2 or 3, he has 9, he is right in the big middle." He then explained that the real question is "How is he functioning in four areas, Gross Motor/Fine Motor/Speech/Social?" Right now the Rock is at age level for Gross Motor, 24mo age for Fine Motor, 15mo age (preverbal) for Speech and Social. So..............no he is not at this time high functioning or anything else, just deep in the depths of autism, doing everything he can to succeed.

He is such a sweet loving little boy. That really lights up a room if you let him. It was so fun yesterday because everyone is always all gushy over him. He is doing so well and we are so proud of him and all the children and how well we all are able to work together. Finding PEACE within our pieces of life. PEACE by PIECE it will all fit together.

a new year, a new day, a new piece, a new peace

I am revamping this blog and although it will have the same updates and insights into our lives, it will also have a new focus......PEACE. I need to see the peace that is given to all of us. I've accepted that the trials don't stop, they don't get easier they just get different and "Added Upon" (a book my father gave me at a younger age). I woke up this morning distraught with sadness and confusion. (when I mention these things I don't always need an "I'm sorry" just keep reading to find the peace I find) Although I can't change the destruction and poison of others I can choose how to handle it. I'm still now sure on the final decision right now, but I do know one thing (the peace)........... GOD LIVES, JESUS IS THE CHRIST AND THERE IS A GREATER PURPOSE TO ALL OF THIS! I spent a lot of time being mad at God and not wanting to go through the things he sees fit to give me. I question him and the purpose and the meaning and yet that is the actual thing that keeps me grounded. Because no matter how mad, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, confused and angry I am, the thought always comes to me "If you are mad at God, you must still know he is there." Among all the bad feelings come the miracles everyday, you know the ones I have talked about the last year, and they are numerous. 13 years ago I sat with Elder Neal A. Maxwell and listened to him tell us not to ask "Why" because it is a form of doubting God. I use to think that doubt and faith could not coexist. I now think that sometimes faith is just one step in front of the other with or without doubt. The faith to keep moving through is all I have sometimes. All I have is the words above and no other explanation as to "Why" or "What will be", BUT those words do give peace to me. I love he loves me some how, some way. I have and do continually feel the love of God everyday.