the word mom and children causes a heartache like you've never known due to the loss of a child (in any way) and/or infertility.
Katherine Nelson's song What's Mine is Yours is a brilliant piece of art that puts my experience at that of so many others to music. I am strengthened by Katherine's courage to write, sing, act and produce this beautiful video.
I don't talk often of my miscarriage. Miscarriages happen so often, 1 out of 4 on average, therefore I feel that I don't need any sympathy I just need to pull up my big girl panties and move on. HOWEVER I am wrong. I would never expect anyone else to do that. The lessons I learned during that time have helped me throughout my life and have given me the knowledge and strength to sympathize with family and friends in similar or more difficult situations. So here is my experience, I hope that it will help someone out there, in their time of heartache. (warning: descriptive)
My baby was nine months old and I was going into get birth control from my OB. She asked if I was pregnant and I said no but for some reason I hesitated and she suggested we make sure. To my surprise the nurse came back fairly quickly to congratulate me on being pregnant. "Oh my!!! Wow! Ok, I can do this!" were my thoughts. Over the next few days my thrill for a new little baby to hold over took my worries and my love for the child that was growing inside me swelled within my heart. We had guessed that I was about 8 weeks along, therefore we hadn't announced our news yet to family and friends.
A week later I started bleeding and was told that I was most likely having a miscarriage. I was crushed and fell into despair. Over the following week as the bleeding continued and worsened I didn't understand and didn't know how I would over come this loss. I had already accepted and loved this child. Every time I went to the bathroom I was terrified of what I might see, until the dreaded hour when I looked and saw my precious baby before me. Although we thought I was not very far along in my pregnancy and that I probably wouldn't notice when the baby had passed, we were wrong. Before me lay my baby, with teeny tiny arms, legs, fingers and the beautiful outline of the face. I dropped to the floor and bawled, like I never had before. I knew what I was suppose to do, but how could I leave my baby? How was I suppose to get up and walk out of the bathroom like nothing had happened and go on with my life? No one would ever know about this baby or that a part of my soul was gone unless I relived this dreadful day. I wanted to stay curled up on the cold tile floor, crying endlessly for the rest of my life to mourn the loss of my baby.
As my sweet husband picked me up in his arms and held me while I cried and then began to cry with me. I realized I was not alone, in many ways. I realized how blessed I was to have a baby girl and loving husband. They needed me. Some how I was going to have to get up and take on one more day and then another. Although I knew I had to do this I had no idea how to do it. I was incapable of moving, I was paralyzed with devastation.
After what felt like hours of torture trying to decide what to do a peaceful feeling and thought came into my mind "You must let this baby go, it's not yours now. This is what the Atonement of Christ is all about and you must give this pain and sorrow to him and know that all will be well."My mind became clear and I knew that I would be able to go on. It was as if the weight of despair had been lifted and paid for and I was able to get off the floor, say goodbye and walk out of the bathroom door.
The saying "when one door closes, another one opens" rings true, you are never the same once you let go of the past, close that door and step into the door of the future, a changed soul forever.