working PEACE

Punky says "Mom why are you so happy?"

I say "I don't know, because I'm being a good mom and working."

Let me paint the picture. Taz is playing Wii (having a great time and I am helping him from time to time). Punky is doing her homework all by herself (a miracle). The Rock is sleeping and has been all day with a high fever. Spunky at a friends house (a rare occurrence at our house also a miracle). Heman is off saving the world in Jersey. I am busy helping every one and working at the same time. I felt great, I felt at PEACE with all the different pieces of our lives.

For me being productive and accomplishing tasks is magical. It makes me feel alive and powerful. Although I totally hated that the Rock was sick, I also wasn't feeling guilty about doing everything else and not playing therapy for him. I didn't have to fix dinner because no one cared if we had it until later. Every one's needs and desires were met and I was guilt free, MIRACLE.........PEACE!

a new year, a new day, a new piece, a new peace

I am revamping this blog and although it will have the same updates and insights into our lives, it will also have a new focus......PEACE. I need to see the peace that is given to all of us. I've accepted that the trials don't stop, they don't get easier they just get different and "Added Upon" (a book my father gave me at a younger age). I woke up this morning distraught with sadness and confusion. (when I mention these things I don't always need an "I'm sorry" just keep reading to find the peace I find) Although I can't change the destruction and poison of others I can choose how to handle it. I'm still now sure on the final decision right now, but I do know one thing (the peace)........... GOD LIVES, JESUS IS THE CHRIST AND THERE IS A GREATER PURPOSE TO ALL OF THIS! I spent a lot of time being mad at God and not wanting to go through the things he sees fit to give me. I question him and the purpose and the meaning and yet that is the actual thing that keeps me grounded. Because no matter how mad, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, confused and angry I am, the thought always comes to me "If you are mad at God, you must still know he is there." Among all the bad feelings come the miracles everyday, you know the ones I have talked about the last year, and they are numerous. 13 years ago I sat with Elder Neal A. Maxwell and listened to him tell us not to ask "Why" because it is a form of doubting God. I use to think that doubt and faith could not coexist. I now think that sometimes faith is just one step in front of the other with or without doubt. The faith to keep moving through is all I have sometimes. All I have is the words above and no other explanation as to "Why" or "What will be", BUT those words do give peace to me. I love he loves me some how, some way. I have and do continually feel the love of God everyday.

dark or closed spaces

The Rock has found some new tricks to either play with us, help him regulate, or for who knows what reason. The blanket is played like peek-a-boo. He will sometimes bring his blanket to me and try to put it over my head. He sometimes like to get under the blanket with me. We just sit with each other and he touches my face, sometimes giggles. The blanket is also used to cover himself completely at bed time or in the car. This scares me at bed time, but if I pull it down he puts it right back where it was. He's figured out something that works for him. The cupboard is a new one and makes me laugh. I know all my kids have done this at one time or another but I can't remember the Rock doing it until now. He just enjoys the dark and usually takes his trusted Elmo with him. Thank you to all of our sweet family and friends who let us take toys home with us, because the uncontrolled outburst that comes when leaving a beloved toy behind becomes too hard to bear. Elmo is one of these generous acts of kindness and is a daily loved toy.

Catch uP

I haven't been great about keeping up with anything lately. Here is life at a glance the last month or so. Punky won reflections for her awesome wave sculpture (that Aunt Jessie taught her how to do). The title of her work was "Together We Can make a wave of PEACE" She sculpted a wave and painted in blue with white caps and a Peace sign on the top of the wave. We are very excited for this accomplishment. Way to go Punky! Spunky finally got to try her feet at soccer this fall and she loved it! She was as we knew she would be, very aggressive and relentless with 100% effort. When her coached asked them to warm up for practice by running 5 laps she said "Only 5? Why not 10?" (i'm not kidding) She of course asked to play on a coed team, no boy or girl was too much of a match for her. She's a tough one. So glad she's bought into our family motto "Dickinsons don't quit!" when she was beaten and bruised a few times. She had a wonderful time and is now missing it. We all had a fun time watching her play and actually look forward to springtime soccer. I was so glad that the weather was great for every game but two. Tender mercies!!!! Taz continues to be "TAZ" as he so calmly tries to pick something up from under the table and runs his eye right into the round, glass table and pops open the side of his eye lid. Yep! Three stitches later he ended up looking like this. Taz is having a great time at preschool and hopefully learning a ton. Hopefully is my answer because he seems to not be able to remember anything. I'm pretty sure it's all jumbled in his brain somewhere, just waiting to regergitate it to me someday. He is starting to be a bit more articulate at times and this is just melts my heart......for a moment. After writing this I remember why it's so important for me to write, it reminds me what's so wonderful about being a mom. It's easy to forget the reasons that make it all worth it. I love my kids! especially when they are sleeping.

Time FLYS.....

when you are crazy busy with what's that thing called? Oh yeah!

LIFE

I cannot believe it's been a year since the Rock's diagnosis. Oh how we have become so used to traveling to Lehi every few days for therapy and having therapists in our home. I cannot believe that in just two months my baby will go to preschool AND possibly ride a bus. I say possibly because right now the thought of putting my baby on a bus makes we want to throw up. There are so very good discussions both ways and I will just wait and see. I still have two months to decide. The Rock will have a brain wave hearing test done this month to make sure he can hear completely. He has now failed his hearing test 3 times. We know he can hear, we just want to know to what degree. It will most likely turn out great, but it will also be great to have definite answers. With autism there are so many things that are not definite that it will be great to have some solid info one way or another. Nursery time is getting better and better. I think the routine is settling in with him. He is now joining the group for snack at the table (miracle 1), today he smiled during singing time (miracle 2) and made it through without his trusted huge dinosaur (miracle 3). I am so grateful for such wonderful teachers who understand that these little things are miracles and make a point of telling me and celebrating with us. (miracle 4) Seriously when you see these little things as miracles you can't help but be in awe. (side note: Of course it IS difficult to remember these when you are totally exhausted from all the other things that I can't possible write because it would take forever)

MaMa!!

I can't believe I haven't posted this amazing news yet......At the beginning of November the Rock was in his class. When class was over his teacher knew I was down the hall so she was bringing him to me. As they got close the Rock reached out to me and .........said.........MaMa! This is the first time he has ever seemed to call me anything. This was such a wonderful moment. I snatched him up and squeezed him as I cried. My heart goes out to all you moms that haven't heard these beautiful words from your child. Now that I've tasted the magic of being his MaMa I want to hear it again. In time I'm I know I will, some day soon. The Rock has learned to play a matching game with our family photos. This game is just a means to teaching him to talk and in some way know our names. As he plays this game he will sometimes look at the picture, repeat the name and then if the person is with him he will look at that person. He's getting it!!! Little by little we are conquering. My favorite sound he makes is for Punky's name. He sticks his tongue out and as if he is licking his lips back and forth he makes the "L" sound. It is so adorable. It happens so fast I don't have video to share, sorry.

progress

The Rock has gained a few more tricks and it is so exciting. He has started to understand the value of pointing and actually doing it. We started with two see through cups with dots on them, we would put one preferred thing in one cup and a non-preferred in another cup. We asked him to point to what he wanted. The first two days we helped him point, by holding his hand, but after a couple days he started to pointing on his own and a couple days after that he started pointing to things on his own. Pointing is so exciting because he has learned that he can communicate what he wants. A month ago he didn't have any wants. Now he brings me what he wants or points to it. He even is doing two steps by pointing to something up high and then pulling on me to and saying "u"(up) and then pointing to what he wants. As I write this seems so simple, it is, but it is such a big deal. My son ASKS for things, yeah! My son asks ME for things, yeah! My son WANTS something, yeah! The simple things you never knew were fundamentals are such BIG deals in the Rock's life. I love that the little things are big accomplishments. It makes life full of miracles everyday, that we took for granted before. It also makes life feel like we are climbing mountains everyday instead of bumps, but life comes in all sorts of trails. It's the attitude we face them with that makes the difference. Sometimes the attitude is the mountain I climb, thanks to miracles everyday, PEACE can find me if I let it.

Like Father, Like Son

I can't believe is how identical these two are. I know some of you may argue otherwise, but this is what I see on a daily basis. I get the blue/brown eye thing, but the face, the lips, the intense eyes, I love it! This pic of the Rock is my fave and Heman with his Magnum face makes me melt and laugh at the same time. I love my family and feel that we are all blessed to have one another.

tactstile defensive

The Rock has issues with sensory things. He has a difficult time touching most foods (fruit, veggies, noodles, pudding, yogurt, meat, basically everything that isn't crunchy, sometimes he surprises me) and even wants to run away when you are eating these things around him. He has even been known to gag at watching you eat something. Food is not the end of this issue he doesn't like to touch anything slimy or gooey (play dough, paint, grass, the list goes on and on) This was a huge eye opener to us. Can you imagine gaging or wanting to throw up because someone is eating yogurt or noodles or watermelon? What do you do? We have started over taking these things slower. We give him choices with food but don't force him to eat anything or even put it on his plate. We do art projects and push through it with him and stop if he gags or gets mad. We have sensory boxes with rice, beans and cotton balls in them. We take time to play in the boxes and put his feet and hands in them. The picture above is after he had eaten a sucker that got all over his mouth and then we played with the cotton balls. He put the cotton balls up to his face and they stuck. For a minute before I got the camera he had a very cute Santa beard. Last Sunday Aunt Sadie made amazing cupcakes and the Rock wanted one, GREAT! He ate all of it with frosting and crumbs all over, after he was done he rubbed his hands together, WOW! This is wonderful because he was able to accept the feeling and then to rub his hands together and accentuate the feeling is awesome. The more and more sensory input he allows himself to accept the better he gets and is able to work and learn more in different situations. Below is a video of him eating Ice cream. Utensils are too much for him but some how he has learned that Ice cream and Popsicles are yummy and slimy. Pop Pop is a new word. He will even open the freezer (HUGE accomplishment) and get a popsicle out.

catching up

Punky is growing so fast! If you've talked to her lately you have learned that she is wanting to babysit your child. She is excited about getting more responsibilities and is wanting to test it out.......on your child. Punky and Spunky have started taking art classes from their Aunt Jessi and are loving it. It's so great having Aunt Jessi close to us now. Both of the girls are very talented artists and I love watching their talents multiply! Spunky has had her two front teeth knocked out by her brother and sister, what a trooper! She is a super tough girl and has proved it on the soccer field every Saturday for the last month. She loves to compete and chase after the ball. She's always in the middle of it. It's been so fun to cheer her on, you are welcome to join us any Saturday this next month. She is hearing more and more that she looks just like her Mom, she is so sweet and says "I know, Thanks." Taz is on to making a whirlwind at preschool. He was so excited to start school. On school days he says he doesn't want to go, but the next day (not a school day) he says he has to go. I'm glad he is liking it. School for the kids has always come with great stress and anxiety for me. Having Taz in a great school early is bringing me peace. This little boys nickname is right on the mark. He is a whirlwind of all boy and joy! Finding peace in motherhood is a daily chore for me and some days I don't succeed. I love my kiddos and don't want to do anything else, I just feel like Katniss sometimes. I can see how I am the reason things are so messed up, hard for my kids and how I have ruined my kids for life (please do not comment on this part, I know what the real answer). SO sometimes I need some time to catch up on sleep and energy. Luckily I have AWESOME friends that help me. I was able to go to VEGAS with a friend and catch up! It was a ton of fun as things always are with my buddies. Eating,Laughing,Crying,Sleeping,Singing,Swimming, and other crazy things are a so needed. This is how I keep some sort of PEACE in my life. Thanks to all my friends that keep me sane, you are angels in my life. My husband of course is the reason I am able to catch up and stay sane (occasionally the cause of my insanity), Thank you LOVE!!