11 months ago...
I was in an emotional dark place with a concussion, just detoxed off some harsh meds to put my Ulcerative Colitis in remission for a minute, difficult emotional repercussions of my divorce, kids emotionally struggling to process our new normal, one kid dealing with PTSD and one bi-polar disorder and then me still believing beliefs of old stories my subconscious had created to keep me safe but was now holding me back. All of this and probably more that I've let go, led to this letter being written after I'd heard a number of adults saying or writing on social media "I just don't understand how someone commits suicide. They are so selfish."
Since I'd been dealing with the mind numbing thoughts of suicide for 5 months at that point I wondered how someone couldn't understand how suicide becomes the only option and why they thought it was selfish.
My thoughts were far from selfish. So I wrote this letter to explain the darkness and help others understand the thoughts.
Suicide only becomes an option when all hope is lost and you are in the dark.
Hope exists when you can see light on the other side, an idea that a little bit of change
will happen and there will be light.
Change will happen by asking for help and help is granted or even possible.
Change will happen when you make decisions to change the scenario
dynamics so you can feel the light.
Hope is lost when you've asked for help and there isn't anything or
anyone can do other than be you better than you. Help is not possible.
Hope is lost when you've made decisions and caused change but the abuse
continues so the pain and suffering continue.
Hope is lost when there isn't enough change that could make everything alright.
Hope is lost when you accept you are the problem for those you love the most not the answer.
Hope is lost when there is no light to be seen because none exists.
From the outside you may feel this is wrong and there is always hope
but the hope you may see is not an actual scenario you can live with
therefore all options other than not living are gone.
Suicide is the option.
Life has asked me to climb many mountains and I have risen to every occasion to the
best of my ability and yet I've failed. People say to me I don't know how you're dealing with it all.
I'm not! I've failed at it all.
Life has finally handed me all it has so far and I can't go on. I have nothing left.
The saying goes "leave it all on the field".
I feel I have. I've lost my love, my health, my strength, my faith, my hope.
Hope is gone.
All that's left is to let the scenario I can't live with go on without me.
-Cobilynn Dickinson 5/10/17
I sent the letter to my therapist without the explanation that these are the thoughts I'd like to discuss at our visit the next day. So without that caveat it seemed like a suicide note and she did her job and called the police after she couldn't get a hold of me. Wow, was I surprised to see the cops at my door ready to take me to the hospital. It took a lot to convince them I would be ok for the night. I am grateful those men showed up to save my life. It was good to know they would show up if I needed them.
My pain and darkness was causing those I loved the pain, I hated that. I lost hope. There was no more hope that my life would ever change because I couldn't change those around me that were causing the pain. The next day in therapy, my angel therapist looked me in the eye and said "you either go to a wellness center, maybe "the work" for at least a week or I commit you into a mental hospital for your own safety." Ugh! Tears streaming down my face I knew she was right and agreed to find a place to go within the week or go to the hospital.
This is where Alicia Thompson walks into my life by recommendation from my therapist. Alicia is certified in "The Work" facilitation. "The Work" is the use of the Byron Katie's four questions from her book Loving What Is. I met with Alicia twice a week for months, questioning every stressful thought I had. Of course I continued to see my therapist and do EMDR, trauma therapy work. These two things along with meditation/self care I began to take back my power that I had given to everyone around me.
I know giving my power away is what led me to loosing faith in myself, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. I couldn't change anyone but myself. I've learned that wanting to change anyone else or blaming others is one way of giving my power away and that is what is painful. Although I understood that statement I didn't know how to change myself, my way of thinking or the beliefs I'd held my whole life that were now keeping me from reality and truth.
This last year has been filled with a lot of mental work that has led me to loving who I am, loving my body, being the mom I always wanted to be (wether my kids validate my efforts or not), finding a spirituality that is more true to me than anything else ever before and HOPE or KNOWLEDGE that this life is here for me to play with not the other way around.
This is my experience as I see it now. Yes there is a lot more involved in the last year and a half that could possibly make for a possibly entertaining book like Aleisha McDaniel said but that will have to wait a bit, I'm working some other magic at the moment.
Why didn't I share my story till now? I was afraid someone would use it against me. I'm no longer afraid of that person so I'm sharing it now.