Defying Gravity

Amazing shot as the Rock flys through the air on the ice of the Grizzlies Hockey Arena. The Grizzlies hosted an Autism Night and before the game we got to go out and skate, run or fly. We all had a blast. The Rock just kept running up and down the arena with a smile on his face.

The bigger ones tried on skates, even Heman (who then complained about his ankles ALL night, I'm sure they hurt......he's not as young as he used to be). We then were able to watch the Grizzles beat Alaska, well everyone but the Rock and I (he lasted 10min). They all had a great time...dancing for the camera, cheering for our team and eating all the treats. It was awesome family time. We had an amazing Thanksgiving weekend as a family, with so much to be thankful for how could we not.

Zipper Miracle

Yep, the Rock has figured out how to hold onto the zipper. YAY! I was so happy when I helped him put his coat on last night and he grabbed for the zipper. This fine motor skill is difficult to grasp not only this tiny little thing, but also the idea of what it does. I started jumping up and down with my little guy and the whole family was cheering. ;) Yes, tears came to my eyes then and now as I am so grateful for this zipper miracle.

I am also very grateful for the school the Rock attends. I owe all zipper credit to them, as they have taught the Rock his routine at school and they help him do up and down his zipper everyday.

The little progress that the Rock makes gives me so much Peace in my soul.

New Family Pics!

Thanks Sade for these great pics! Our Christmas photo is pretty awesome if you ask me.

Finding PEACE......

I'm so grateful a friend called in June and asked me to go on a girls trip to Mexico with her. It was such a good deal I couldn't pass it up. Little did I know that by the time October got here I would need to go more than ever. Heman was gone most of September, the big kids were off track and I was trying to be with my parents at the hospital as much as possible. I wish I could have taken everyone I know with me (except for kids) because everyone deserves the PEACE of the bright sun, the sound of the ocean waves breaking and all you can eat and drink being served to you all day.

I thought I was going to come home to a husband that was worshiping the ground I walk on after realizing all I do........nope. :) It seemed as if it was no big deal and it was a piece of cake, when I said this to him he laughed and said "Yep, super easy!"(with sarcasm) I think everyone was happy I was home. I was rested and ready to be home.

A friend asked if the Rock missed me, I said I wasn't sure. As I took him off the bus that day and he hugged me tight, she said "Oh he did, he didn't hug any one else like that when they picked him up." That made my day. I don't let myself wonder if the Rock knows I'm his mom and all that that implies or if he loves me, because he can't tell me or call me mom. But acknowledgments like that from my friend help me see how much I mean to him.

When I told Heman about this, he said "I didn't want to make you cry so I didn't tell you that everyday when we got home the Rock would go look all over the house and I'm pretty sure he was looking for you." Who knows, but I like it!

Bubble Monster

This was so funny when he did this. I love the quirky little things this kiddo comes up with. His laugh gives me a Piece of PEACE every time I hear it. I hope you receive a piece too.

Painting & Peaches with Patricia

Our dear friend Patricia took us all up to Peach Days. We went to do the carnival thing and buy peaches, but none of that was available at the actual Peach Days party. Face Painting was available and this lady was amazing. The kids loved their paintings. We then went all the town buying peaches, ordering peach shakes and peach pie. Needless to say we were all sick at the end of the day, but thats what happens when you are having fun!;)

mommy and taz time

Now that everyone is in school all day except for the kindergartner the two of us get to enjoy a little bit of time together. Our first day we went and played at one of Taz's faves, Chuck e Cheese. We had a great time earning tickets and playing games.

Its SO rare......

......to get eye contact (although its getting better) let alone a picture of those gorgeous blue eyes. All I can think of when I see them is who wouldn't want to stare into them all day. I wish I was able to see them more often, for each time I see them I am give a Piece of PEACE.

The Rock has been in a private school for children with autism for the past month and a half. I went and visited at school and I was blown away with excitement with all he was doing. Right now they are working on attending (meaning sitting still with feet on the ground, hands to themselves, eyes on the teacher), every day Hagen is passing of another level (these tasks are broken down into small steps). Also he is learning to say "yes" and "no" for things he wants. He is doing well in the structured environment and is following directions and remembering routines (putting his box away, putting on his own backpack, holding friends hands as they walk down the hall). When I came into the classroom the Rock took my hand and showed me his favorite places, the story corner and the drinking fountain. It was so neat to see him show me what he loves about class. He was excited about having me in class and that made me feel so good. At home the Rock is continuing to enjoy our company. I was/am worried about him loosing his desire to be apart of the family because he is away from us so much more now. So far we are doing ok, a daily goal for each of us to play and talk with the Rock.

More and more children the Rocks age are starting to notice he doesn't communicate like they do. They talk to him and get upset when he won't talk back or when he just does something and they were trying to talk to him. It's just interesting to me at what age other children really start noticing their peers. The Rock is starting to notice peers and will occasionally play/follow them, communicating is coming VERY slowly, BUT it's coming......I pray.

Resilience of a Child

The Rock had a tonsillectomy and adenoid removal yesterday. I'll post more later because the Dr. was interesting. They tell you that they shouldn't move much so they would bleed too much. They said the pain meds would make him tired and drowsy. They weren't sure he would drink or eat. Well he proved all wrong! He recovered from surgery well and didn't seem in too much pain. Got pain meds in him and he started eating and drinking immediately. As soon as the meds kicked in he was climbing on the counters, couch, slide and swinging. Uh, was he suppose to be relaxing? This all happened within 2 hours after surgery. Wow! kids are so resilient.

Where are we?

We finally got a clue and went to the Farmers Market. We've been to many since living in Cali and were usually disappointed so we gave up. This one was awesome! I seriously questioned where I was, it did't even feel like typical Utah and just what I needed. I got our Brazilian food, Mint Limeade, Granola, Honey, lunch and we were set. So glad Tish could join us for the fun. It didn't even matter that Taz was driving me crazy, It was still so peaceful.

After the market we went and ran through the fountains because we HAVE to every year at least once! Fun for everyone.........pretty much (Heman took coaxing).

First Day of School

Punky is in 6th grade!!!! I canNOT believe it!! Seriously this is really tough for me. It has brought on a lot of new aspects of life having her become a young women and again I find myself holding on for dear life, it passing by so fast.

Spunky is in 4th grade. She is super excited for this year. She's got some good friends and loves growing up as fast as she can, I wish she'd slow down. I've been saying that her whole life!

Taz starts Kindergarten! He asked me everyday for two weeks if he was going to school today, tomorrow, when. He was just a little excited. We were excited for him too. He is happy and loving it all.

Pieces of Peace

I came up with my blog name, life motto, personal mission statement, Peace from Pieces, about a year or so ago when I was so overwhelmed with all the different Pieces of my life. I realized I needed to find Peace within these different pieces, hence Peace from Pieces. Even though I can look at life through different lenses, per say, and have a positive attitude, I still haven't felt long periods of Peace, something I so desperately long for. Once I am finally able to come up for breath the next mountain to climb comes almost instantly. UGH! I recently was inspired with the thought that I needed to hold on to the small Pieces of Peace I felt and

combine these together to create longer

lasting Peace and overshadow the

mountains I'm climbing. The quote above came at such a perfect time. I have made Peace with myself and now feel like I can take on the world. I don't know where Taz got this Peace sign idea, but I loved it. It's not like I walk around all the time talking about Peace and flashing "the" sign to everyone, I guess it goes to show sometimes we communicate in more ways than words.

to those we love.........and those that love us!

I'm sure you could get through life without letting people get close to you, but it would not be a fulfilling life. Sure it means that you open your self up for disappointment, heartache, and sadness at times BUT......you also feel more love, joy, and laughter than ever before. This is why we work so hard with those with Autism, so that they can experience life to it's fullest! It's amazing how much joy eye contact with the Rock brings to my soul. I am truly grateful for the special people in our lives that help us move forward, enjoy the little things and especial those that make us laugh! These moments keep us going in this unforgiving spiral we call life. Here are some highlights from the last few weeks. Sadie Lady, Oh How I love you........... your smile is infectious........your selflessness is relentless........your love is intoxicating.........

YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU!

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY!!!!

Scandelous, Intoxicanted, Exhillerating Party!

I do not and will not show pics of the crazy bash this woman put on for her birthday, but it rocked!! So glad I got to be apart of the party and especially apart of her life.

The things I can talk this man in to doing! He is such a troop and yes even sometimes a pooper (aren't we all), but last night he did not let me down and owned the night! He walked away with the best costume award and I believe any time he's dressed mostly nauked he should get best dressed! (again there will not be pics, sorry ladies! you had to be there)

Recently I went on a road trip with 5 wonderful women and had a great time! I'm so glad these women are who they are and have helped me become who I am now. It makes my heart swell with joy to know that I have video of my little sistas and mama doing the Macarena with a friendly local truck driver and a passerbyer. ;)

This is the way to post incriminating photos. BLACKOUT NIGHT turned out way fun, especially considering I had know idea what we were going to do when I sent the text to "Be there or Beware". Crazy Women + Ice + Squirt Guns + Hoses + Voices + Blended Drinks + Serranades + TP = Happiness and one Crazy A Night! Just another usual night in my life! The women who entertain me with their presence have become my life line to sanity! They will never understand how much they have saved me and given me PEACE......I love you all! Thank you!!!

On His Own

The magic of potato heads! The Rock really likes potato heads and it is the only toy that I have found that he will let me PRETEND with him. We build the potato head with all the features and then together we make them jump, dance, sleep, walk and kiss. It's awesome! The Rock is really good at physical, chasing, tickling play, most others we are just beginning to be able to do together and for him to want to do it.

Along with this has come a whole new level of understanding. I now feel and know that the Rock is comprehending a lot of what we are saying and telling him to do.

He can help put his shoes on and can take off his clothes (when told to, not just when he wants to). These are simple things that mean a great deal to us.

He is talking (sounds) a lot more, instead of stimming with his voice. More words are coming and we are so excited! We are so proud of the Rock and are so grateful for all the love and support we are given by so many. These simple pieces that give us PEACE.

Taz Turns FIVE

Buddies at the birthday party! Taz is loving Super Mario Wii so we had a Super Taz World Party and ran the obstacle course through the whole house! It was great to have everyone there. Thanks for being there for our big boy.

Yep! Another trip to the ER for stitches. He is so brave!

This boys brown eyes and smile melt my heart. He is such a sweetie and gives me loves whenever I need them. With all the sword play and rough housing you'd wonder sometimes if he has a tender bone in his body, HE DOES!

Fun pics to see how much he's grown.

Christina "Pretty" Perri Concert

Awesome Night! Mom and Dad w/ da Girls. :)

Nothing makes me happier than when I see smiles on my kiddos faces. No wonder we want only the best for our kids and to never see them cry. Smiles and laughing are so much better. Especially when childhood dreams come true.

So glad Aunties got to join in the fun with us.

Trying to Understand

It was said to me this week that someone WAS trying to understand what our life is like, true understanding only comes from living it everyday. We all have our own understanding of our own reality and until recently did even Heman really understand what life expects of us as parents of children with special needs. I believe EVERYONE has special needs, ours have special needs that take a lot longer for them to learn. I have used this blog as a documentation for myself and a positive outlook for us and others. I do try and explain somethings on here, but if this is all someone or anyone is using as a method of TRYING to UNDERSTAND how we are doing, all you are getting is a very positively slanted point of view. I do not go into the day to day trantrums caused by over stimulated Sensory Processing Disorder, which results in anyone of us being bitten, the Rock pounding his head on the nearest hard surface, screaming, throwing his heads, hands, legs and entire body in different directions, hitting the nearest person so hard it even makes me cry(if I'm the victim) AND includes not being able to understand why this is happening because HE CAN NOT TALK! I do not go into the stress in causes me to take him to a new place or store because of these tantrums. I do not go into the amount of worry he causes me because he DOES NOT EAT enough! I do not talk about the amount of guilt I deal with because I can never do enough for ALL of my children, because ALL of my children have learning disabilities and need extra help with school work and any kind of learning. I realize that all mothers have these sort of feelings and they are normal, however amplified they maybe by situations. There are many other things I do not go into on the blog, because this is not where I want to talk about them.

I DO NOT GO INTO THIS ON THE BLOG BECAUSE I HAVE MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR AND I AM TRYING TO SPEND A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE AND FINDING A LITTLE BIT OF PEACE out of the crazy pieces of our lives. These things are only about the children and being a mother. We all have many other different pieces of our lives and roles that we play and the last two years all of the those pieces have been difficult and I myself and TRYING to UNDERSTAND.

So if you are trying to understand what life is like for us you might want to read about autism and then ask me about it. Please ask me if something is possible before assuming that it is, because the most simple tasks are overwhelming for us right now and may not be possible. I enjoy helping others and the fact that I can't do as much as I would like to at this time is difficult for me. At this time my helping is on the Rock's terms and I'm doing everything I can to help him and the three other joys in our life.

Punky is 11!!!

Punky also wanted to go shopping so just her and Mom went out! We started at Claire's where she bought all the accessories she is wearing (nerdy glasses, tiara, sash and owl necklace). She HAD to wear them all! We then went to a few other stores where she purchased this adorable outfit and something to wear to the Christina Perri concert. The girls invited one friend to watch the movie Soul Surfer. It was a great day! We are so blessed to have the girls in our lives. Lately Punky has been rattling off all kinds of inspiring thoughts in difficult situations. We are really grateful for her sweet spirit and loving personality. She has brought PEACE to our minds and hearts.

99999 Spunky 99999

Spunky wanted to go shopping for her birthday, SO we did. Grammy came with us and made it that much more fun. Spunky wore this hat and birthday sash all over the mall and out to dinner at Red Robin. She would frequently brake out her runway walk and live it up! She is so much fun to be with. We had a great night shopping, eating and topped it off with a few friends, cake and ice cream!

eAstEr...........

with the Colorado cuzins. :) Earth Day was celebrated at the aquarium and finished off with watching African Cats on the big screen. It was a fun filled weekend with exploring the snow filled mountains and spotting Big Foot! We EXHAUSTED the children by swimming, playing chase, jumping, ultimate frisbee and their endless imaginary adventures! Aunt D of course exhausted her self by suppling us with endless gourmet meals and incredible hospitality as always. It is always a treat to visit our Colorado family. Easter day was lots of fun as you can see by the picture. By 3pm and right as we all sat down to dinner, the Rock sat up to the table to fill his belly. After one chicken nugget he laid his head down and fell asleep. He stayed in this position all through dinner and then was placed else where to sleep. So PEACEful!

socially grOWING

We are so grateful that the Rock has older siblings that he can learn from. A year ago he paid no attention to what they were doing. He had no interest in doing what they were doing and NOW.....

Last week Taz had a friend over and they were playing star wars and the Rock followed them all over the house, from top to bottom for about a half hour. He didn't engage in their game, but followed them and watched what they were doing.....he was learning!!!

At different times I will find the Rock pulling or following Taz and I love it! It's so much fun to see them interacting like typical siblings every once in awhile.

For a little while now he has been playing swords with us. He asks Spunky for rides down the stairs by bringing the sleeping bag to her. He pulls us by the hand to play chase and does the tickling motion to ask for tickles.

continuing to grow......

9 out of 12

Great News......the Rock has been given a publicly funded spot (free for us) at Carmen Pingree School for children with autism. We are so grateful for this opportunity and feel that it is a great blessing for all of us.

Carmen Pingree's approach is different from what we have been doing so there will be a lot of learning for all of us. I feel that it will give the Rock the ability to reach his potential. He has already come so far and we know that he will continue to succeed.

When you are accepted you go through an evaluation to make sure your child is a good fit. We spent 3hours at the school yesterday for this evaluation. The Rock was evaluated by an ABA trained teacher, the Speech Pathologist and the Psychiatrist. I was evaluated by the Psychiatrist (yes about Hagen, not me, that would have taken more than three hours....right?). I thought I was going to be way more emotional during this evaluation, but when it was over I was still laughing. When the Psychiatrist was done talking to me he handed me a piece of paper that showed me the 9 out of 12 autism characteristics the Rock has.

It was then my turn to ask questions, so I asked him the one that everyone asks me......"How autistic is he? or He doesn't look autistic, he must be high functioning. or Are you sure?" BTW These are all very rude, judgemental and very hurtful. He then said "He has 9 out of 12, he not mild. Mild would be 2 or 3, he has 9, he is right in the big middle." He then explained that the real question is "How is he functioning in four areas, Gross Motor/Fine Motor/Speech/Social?" Right now the Rock is at age level for Gross Motor, 24mo age for Fine Motor, 15mo age (preverbal) for Speech and Social. So..............no he is not at this time high functioning or anything else, just deep in the depths of autism, doing everything he can to succeed.

He is such a sweet loving little boy. That really lights up a room if you let him. It was so fun yesterday because everyone is always all gushy over him. He is doing so well and we are so proud of him and all the children and how well we all are able to work together. Finding PEACE within our pieces of life. PEACE by PIECE it will all fit together.

HOLY COW!!!

The Rock is moving along, just this week....... 1)When sharing Diet Coke (a love we have in common, don't judge me :) look at what it gets him to do) I can say "Mama's turn" and then he will point to himself to give him a turn. Today he even said his name. (grabbing my head and shaking it) WOW!! 2)Said "dank do" for thank you today (now I'm crying I'm so happy) 3)Played in a small room of 50 people, 35 were kids. He followed them a lot of the time and copied his brother. When they sat in a circle he sat in the circle next to his brother. He would drag his brother by the finger to go with him. This is so amazing, with everything going on he hung with the group. Sure he would take a time out and hide or stim with his hands, but overall he was AMAZING! 4)Said "cracker" 5)Cries if we leave him, because he wants to play WITH us. 6)Randomly he will drop whatever is in his hands and go and hug his brother. It is the MOST precious thing you have ever seen. It's never when I have my camera so I don't have a picture. Hopefully soon I will. It's so neat to see how much Taz loves to get hugs from the Rock. I don't even really get hugs. I get loves but not like this. I am so excited about all the fun things. My baby boy is a walking miracle everyday!

Deep Thoughts by SheRA

So........ A year ago I was give some inspiration as I felt like I was drounding in the chaos of life. Now the same inspiration has come back to me with different circumstances and slightly different meaning. This inspiration is something I hold dear and want to share with you to see if it can change any one else perspective like it did mine. (now that I've built up the not needed suspense, drum roll) WHAT IF WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH ISN'T HAPPENING TO HURT YOU, IT'S FOR SOMEONE ELSE? There are things that we go through in life not due to consequences or choices or someone elses bad decisions. Some things are just handed to us. I've spent some time being upset with the one that handed them to me, trying to figure out why I am the one with these things, because I don't feel like the right person. I've wondered, "Why so many things at the same time, one alone would be plenty". And then when I think about the thought that maybe these things aren't being handed to me, they are for me to help another, I am then the one in control of who I am and what I can handle. I can be a HERO for someone else. Considering the way I've handled things so far, If God gave grades I think I'm getting a D-. That just means there's room for improvement right? I don't even think it's a coppout when I say I really am doing my best. With that said I'm glad I have an example of how to move forward and improve. I thought about my Savior and how I'm sure from a young age he could have asked himself "Why is this being handed to me?" Fortunately he already had the understanding that what he was going through wasn't being done to him, it was being done for us, for me and for you. There may be some of you who are saying how could this be good for someone else? I don't know, but I know God has a much bigger plan than any of us can see and we have a choice to keep moving forward with what we've been handed and be someones HERO. A hero just because you are you. You are who they need. You never know who is watching and learning from YOU! Does this change your perspective??????(please no comments on how I'm doing)

French Toast & PEACE

Can eating french toast be considered a miracle? I think so! Sunday morning I fixed french toast for the fam. I arranged it all on the table with a big pile of french toast in the middle. As everyone gathered around the table the Rock came too (miracle #1 following the family and sitting at the table with us, to eat no less). The Rock then grabs a piece of french toast (miracle #2 98% of the time bread is not apart of his diet). HE EATS IT!!! (miracle #3 with all the textile issues he has he rarely eats something even if he's touched it). It's amazing how watching a little boy take small bites of french toast can fill your soul with delight. I do admit it was pretty amazing french toast, but I don't think I had anything to do with these miracles. I thank my God daily (and that's not enough) for the progress of my children and the tender mercies that are poured upon me. PEACE

To Diet or NOT To Diet, That is the Question

From day one of the Rock's autism diagnosis I have been asked the question "Do you have him on one of those special diet's?". The special diet I'm talking about is no Casein or Whey, basically no dairy products. I would answer with "No, I haven't felt that that is what we need to do at this time." Everyone has an opinion on both sides of the fence, and many have seen miracles happen when this diet is followed. Six months ago I took the Rock to an allergist to see if he had food allergies that were affecting him. This prick test was a negative on everything. So, I let it go. A month ago I went to a new pediatrician, and he wanted to do some tests and then make a plan for my son. "A PLAN? WOW!" My other pediatrician didn't even have it noticeable on his chart so every time I went in I had to explain that the Rock was autistic, seriously NOT cool, I've been to the doctor a few times (wink, wink). So after a number of tests we have some results, telling us that the Rock's body is on the low end of Vitamin D, very low in Iron and is producing extreme amounts of antibodies to fight the casein and whey in his system. So? We are going off milk! This is a big deal because it breaks my heart to take away something that is a staple in his diet when not much else is. I do feel that this is something we can take on and see if it will make a difference. Before today I wasn't ready to climb this mountain, but because today I am, it makes me feel like this is the right choice. You have to follow that still small voice and then you will feel PEACE. Mark the calendar! January 29, 2011 Let's watch and see if anything changes.

Beauty Tips by Audrey Hepburn

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,

and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,

you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself,

and the other for helping others.”

I appreciate my sister (from another mister) who shared this with me. They are beautiful words that remind us of little things that really matter. In a world of udder chaos when it comes to looks and the status quo, this is what I wish was playing on the radio, commercials on TV and articles on the magazines. Hope it gives you a little bit of peace.

Hands in the Air, Wavem' like you just don't care

Last week the boys were sick for a few days and I did admit that it was a little bit bliss, BUT now I've been sick for a week and its just not fair. I know, I know life's not fair. Seriously moms really shouldn't get sick it's just not right. I tried to convince myself I wasn't that sick and just keep moving at the regular, slightly slower pace, but by yesterday I was dead to the world and the kiddos had to pick me up. I had to just throw my hands in the air and surrendered. The kiddos came through, a miracle. You should have seen Punky take charge. That girl is wonderful and such a blessing. I wish I had a picture of me and the boys asleep on the LovSac by 6pm. (don't worry I was in and out to make sure all was well) All is well and hopefully very soon I will be back on track. Thanks to all the helpers who picked up all the pieces and gave me PEACE.

Thank YOU help!!

We are all blessed in different ways. Many of you may not feel blessed when you have people come stay with you or even move in, but for me it brings peace. Yes, life changes a bit. You can't go running around naky any more, but really who does that any way? Well I know who does and be careful I might name names.

We have been blessed to have our brother come live with us. This man is a wonderful person with so much love within he has to share it with all of us. We had been begging him for years (it seemed like) to move in but it wasn't the time until now. Now we are so happy to have him with us and hope he stays for a while. We hope all the crazy pieces of our lives don't chase him away......because honestly sometimes I'm ready to run away. (don't worry I don't go very far :)

I hope you can find peace with some of the different ways you are blessed. Thanks Bro for bringing peace into our lives.

working PEACE

Punky says "Mom why are you so happy?"

I say "I don't know, because I'm being a good mom and working."

Let me paint the picture. Taz is playing Wii (having a great time and I am helping him from time to time). Punky is doing her homework all by herself (a miracle). The Rock is sleeping and has been all day with a high fever. Spunky at a friends house (a rare occurrence at our house also a miracle). Heman is off saving the world in Jersey. I am busy helping every one and working at the same time. I felt great, I felt at PEACE with all the different pieces of our lives.

For me being productive and accomplishing tasks is magical. It makes me feel alive and powerful. Although I totally hated that the Rock was sick, I also wasn't feeling guilty about doing everything else and not playing therapy for him. I didn't have to fix dinner because no one cared if we had it until later. Every one's needs and desires were met and I was guilt free, MIRACLE.........PEACE!

a new year, a new day, a new piece, a new peace

I am revamping this blog and although it will have the same updates and insights into our lives, it will also have a new focus......PEACE. I need to see the peace that is given to all of us. I've accepted that the trials don't stop, they don't get easier they just get different and "Added Upon" (a book my father gave me at a younger age). I woke up this morning distraught with sadness and confusion. (when I mention these things I don't always need an "I'm sorry" just keep reading to find the peace I find) Although I can't change the destruction and poison of others I can choose how to handle it. I'm still now sure on the final decision right now, but I do know one thing (the peace)........... GOD LIVES, JESUS IS THE CHRIST AND THERE IS A GREATER PURPOSE TO ALL OF THIS! I spent a lot of time being mad at God and not wanting to go through the things he sees fit to give me. I question him and the purpose and the meaning and yet that is the actual thing that keeps me grounded. Because no matter how mad, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, confused and angry I am, the thought always comes to me "If you are mad at God, you must still know he is there." Among all the bad feelings come the miracles everyday, you know the ones I have talked about the last year, and they are numerous. 13 years ago I sat with Elder Neal A. Maxwell and listened to him tell us not to ask "Why" because it is a form of doubting God. I use to think that doubt and faith could not coexist. I now think that sometimes faith is just one step in front of the other with or without doubt. The faith to keep moving through is all I have sometimes. All I have is the words above and no other explanation as to "Why" or "What will be", BUT those words do give peace to me. I love he loves me some how, some way. I have and do continually feel the love of God everyday.