ShoCk and AwE!!!

We are so excited to have so much more help for the Rock between the new sensory class twice a week, EI therapist, and our new found love Autism Journeys. Everyone is wonderful and we finally feel like we are on top of Autism and not standing around wondering what it will do next. Today was awesome! I went to pick him up from his sensory class and got there early to see a miracle....the Rock sitting in a chair watching the teacher all by himself! I know this sounds like not much but they said he sat there for most of circle time. This is huge for his attention awareness. I love new little things that are actually little miracles for us. He has started coming to me and reaching for me to pick him up. This too is a new miracle and although I wish I new what he wanted when I did it, I love that he wants me (even if only for a second before he goes somewhere else). I am amazed all the time by how much he understands (when I say hot on the stove, when Daddy comes home, when he's poopy(he always finds me, sometimes the only time he comes to find me). But then he doesn't understand that (when all the lights are off and everyone is leaving the room it's time to leave, when I ask him if he wants a drink or something to eat, that climbing on the tallest thing in the room is very dangerous and the list goes on.) Everyday is a new day with new highs and lows...I know it's called life but a little different and something we are still learning about for us and the Rock.

what to say.....

to any parent or person. "How are you doing?" This says it all, it says you care and it allows them to answer if they want to. Don't be offended if they don't share with you, sometimes its just too hard. If they do share and you want to help, ask if there is a way to help or just let them know that if they do need you, you will be available. Then when they call be available! I and everybody realizes no one is perfect and that we all say things that hurt sometimes without even knowing it. Hopefully these last two posts will help you and me not say something that can hurt. I am sure I have and will in the future, for that I ask your forgiveness now and please know I am not trying to hurt you.

what not to say.....

to a parent of an autistic child. #1 No he's not. I don't believe it. #2 He doesn't look autistic. #3 Why do you think that? #4 What gifts does he have? #5 My kid does/did that too. #6 Who told you that? #7 He's too young to be diagnosed. #8 Don't give him a label. #9 You should discipline your child better? #10 He doesn't act like other autistic kids I know. The truth is if you've met one kid with autism you've met ONE kid. There is a huge spectrum of autism and EVERYONE is different. I know that no one has said these things to hurt anyone, but the thing is it does especially at the beginning of this journey. At the beginning your head is spinning and you question everything you are doing and not doing. You go through every stage of grief because you have lost something, your child. You are not sure of anything any more because the life you had is over and you are on a new journey. SO any question that question you or your decisions, cuts to the bone. All anyone ever needs is to be validated, to be reinforced that they are doing the best they can. We all just need love, support, and prayers. We are doing the best we can. ***if you have said these things to someone don't worry, they have already let it go...probably.

Life Lessons Learned Over and Over and......

So I've decided to write on my blog again in hopes that if it's out here then it won't be in my head any more and help me figure things out. Yesterday was an enlightening day for me and Heman. Life has not been a bed of roses and much more like a fire pit. I have a new title for our family to go with a new out look. With all that has been going on I have felt like our lives are in pieces and I can't find or be the glue to put us back together. What kinds of pieces you might be wondering well here they are and the life lessons I have to keep learning over and over and over again. #1 We were recently told that well of course things are hard right now moving across country once let alone twice in 8mo. is life changing and usually very difficult to deal with (no duh! I didn't need to hear that). the glue or answer is....don't look back you might be turned to salt, like Lot's wife. God has a plan and as long as you are seeking for HIS way you will be where he wants you to be. #2 I have to be the leader (I know you are all stunned at this news)and I am not feeling like I have value if I can't produce income in some way. Being the leader, boss, manager validates me as a person and I don't know how to do this. I kept wanting to find something outside of home. I wanted to work with Heman (another piece). I have felt lost and unsure of my purpose. the glue or answer is...you are the leader, the boss, the Manager Of Mayhem (M.O.M.). All the executive roles I wanted to have and need to feel validated are all in the home if change my perspective and realize that I do have value to my loved ones. #3 We have been sick for one, two or three weeks out of every month for the last eight months for no reason other than the fact that I don't think you are suppose to move across country twice in one year. It throws your body out of wack. So to say the least having a workout schedule has been impossible. Some might think that's great but for Heman and SheRa it stinks and it feels like part of you is missing and something extra is growing around my stomach. #4 Punky and Spunky have been struggling in school. I of course took this to be a reflection of bad mothering. the glue or answer is....out sourced help. Did you know that resource in school is not just for the mentally disabled? Did you know that resource is for students that are extremely bright but have some sort of learning disability that doesn't let them perform to their potential? Had I known this I would have asked for testing years ago. My daughters are bright, intelligent girls that have a hard time putting everything together. I thought that that is what I've been saying all these years and no one was listening. NOW they are and the girls are getting help. #5 Taz in the midst of all the crumbling of our pieces is twirling around begging for more attention (literally as I write). It's the nature of the beast I guess. the glue or answer is...do my best, I don't have any other ideas, right now. #6 In November of 2009 the Rock was diagnosed with Autism (wow to write this makes it that much more real). It's been a roller coaster of emotions just with this piece of our lives. the Rock has been in therapy for the last four months. Yes we have been blessed with progress little by little and yet a few steps back. We have hope that because we have learned about this so early we have ahead start and will be able to give our son the best and the most of what he needs. More will come as we move forward. the glue or answer is....faith and hope in the future. #7 Heman's new job! I have this vision of working side by side with Heman. When something new came into the picture I felt I was being pushed out. I'm his partner not anyone else, right? He kept saying God has given him this opportunity to provide for our family and I saw it as God punishing me and taking everything I need away. Why would God do this to me? the glue or answer is....God's not doing this to me, he's doing for someone else. Heman is where God wants him and if I change my perspective I can help and be there for someone else as well. So sad that I had to learn this lesson in particular twice in one year. I hope I don't have to again. It stinks feeling like God has abandoned you, when really he's right there just waiting for you to open your eyes to the whole picture. #8 FEAR, I have felt so much fear for the last I don't know how long, years (seriously). Even though I know that fear and faith can NOT exist together I still thought I was doing a good enough job enduring. NOPE! I had to experience for myself the words I had to say to a friend 31/2 yrs ago, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE FAITH! I wish I didn't have to learn that one first hand, but I did, even though inside I already knew it. It is my hope that as I have shared bits and pieces of our pieces with you that you can learn from me. I hope that I can give you hope and faith for the future. Pres. Boyd K. Packer, once said,"If you are helpless, he is not. If you are lost, he is not. If you don't know what to do next, he knows. It would take a miracle you say? Well, if it takes a miracle, why not?"

happy birthday HAGEN 2!!

Brigham finally agrees that the Rock is his mini me! It's so hard to get him to hold still that him in the carseat is a good place to take a picture. This is his deep stare before dosing off. We love him so much and know that he is a blessing in ourlives. When the Rock turned one we learned that he didn't like cake as he cried when we tried to feed it to him. It was so cute! We have learned that chocolate is the only thing he truly desires. My heart was complete when he was placed in my arms. He is an amazing child!

Dental Emergency

Before Dental Magic at Dr. Stevenson Office @ 8pm (amazing peds dentist) After Dental Magic and Bravest Fe' Ever! Fe' was pushing Hagen around Grammy's house in a metal toy dump truck. Hagen got out unexpectedly and so the truck hit Fe' in the mouth. We are so grateful for everyone's help and concern and especially for Dr. Stevenson and his Assistant. Fe' was very nervous but pulled out the strength from inside to handle it all.

venting, spiting, crying, confused fit

I know I can write this because no one reads this anyway, Right? I am so confused with life right now on so many levels. #1 I don't understand why being a SAHM is so hard for me. Everyone else seems to be loving it. #2 I don't understand why we have to have 10 trials at the same time instead of 1 at a time. All 10 are big ones not just I bumped my head and stubbed my toe. #3 I don't understand why we are not suppose to talk about our trials and if I do I feel week and that I have failed the test of life. #4 I don't understand why it is either funny, wrong, or sad to have a belief in something. Is it just me or does it seem that ex-mormons have the most to say about what they hate about the church. I rarely find someone from another faith spouting off about how their faith did them wrong. Ultimately it is always your choice and your reality. I don't go looking for anything about mormons but I always find something about how it sucks to be mormon or why it's wrong. Why is it I have to go to lds.org to read anything good about the mormon faith. #5 I don't understand why going to work is easier than staying home with kids. #6 I don't understand why men and women have to be so different that they never ever will completely understand each other. #7 I don't understand why once we have figured out who we are and what we are good at, it is taken away. #8 I don't understand why our plans especially when they are really good ones never work out the way we want to. #9 I don't understand why I have to write this thinking it will make me feel better in any way. I'm sure it's not, so no need to try and answer any of these. #10 I don't understand why we can't just live the life we WANT TO and nobody else is going to put it down, tell me no, or make me feel ridiculous. That's enough for now and forever, but I'm sure it won't be and that there won't ever be answers for any of these that I want to hear.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

This year has been an eventful one for sure. We are so blessed with great family, wonderful friends, and a knowledge of God and his ever giving love to all. Below is just a few of the highlights. We miss many of you so very much and pray that you know how special you are to us even though we are far away. We wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!

Where does TIME fly? and WHY does it go so fast!

*disclaimer ramblings and random deep thoughts* (this is me venting no need to read unless you have some really awesome insight that won't piss me off. easy to do these days, sorry!) the last year has been one overwhelming ride. one filled with laughter and tears. i know, i know this is everyones story, and yet we are continually reminded of how sweet and bitter life can be. a friend told me the other night that we are not sent here to earth to be entertained but to simply learn and have joy. when he said this it made joy so much more subdued. i thought that, had i had this mentality sooner i wouldn't be searching for the long awaited time out that i think i deserve. deserve what? i know!, i deserve to smile and find joy in my posterity and to learn as much as i can. can i just take a time out from learning for a minute to catch my breath. i promise i'll come back we all do eventually, right? why is it so easy to get lost? i know i'm weird and am just analyzing too much. again sorry if you read this. it's been a long time since i vented and my journal wouldn't cut it.